just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
