Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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