dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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