i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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