That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.