so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk