You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
