I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
