The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
