textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
