hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
