if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
