I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
