I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
