8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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