I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
