when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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