Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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