dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
