I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
