I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
