sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
