I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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