if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
