she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
