her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
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