Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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