he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I party with great urgency now.
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