my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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