and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
