Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
