If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
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I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
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I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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