your parents love me but you hate me
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
