why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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