So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
