It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
they're like a gay fantastic four
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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