My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
