So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
