if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
