Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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