My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
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these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
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I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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