my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
