This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
