They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
