ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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