her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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