I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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