Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
