I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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