i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
