and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
