Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
