If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
