I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
