Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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