Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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