Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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