We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
